If you are compulsive, press 1 repeatedly
If you are co-dependent, get someone to press 2 for you
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5 and 6
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which buttons you press
If you are paranoid, you don't need to press any buttons, we know who you are and what you want - stay on the line and one of our agents will be with you shortly